Hello World,
Just some things I want you to know about me. I don’t go to church. But I do believe and have a very strong relationship with the man upstairs, and my guardian angels. I pray every day. Multiple times a day. I believe in thanking God and the universe for everything I have, AND for everything that I don’t have. I believe in signs. I believe we all have a higher purpose and that everything happens for a reason, although most of the time we have no idea what it is. And I believe that we are all here to help each other learn lessons while we are here. And I strongly believe in the power of prayer. I’ve seen it work miracles in my own life, and in the lives of others.
That being said, I had lunch with a friend today, and she prayed over me, thanking God, and asking for blessings over all of us who have been affected by drug/alcohol addiction. She then said “and dear God, please pray for Brendalee and her broken heart, for she has been through and suffered so much”…..
and I burst into tears.
I have never told anyone… anyone…my friend at lunch, my best friend, my closest friends, my family, no one…I have NEVER told anyone just how broken my heart is, or what I’ve exactly gone through.
You, world….you’re different, because as of right now, you’re strangers to me…no faces, no personality, you’re safe. You understand because I hope it’s so. I don’t feel like I’m risking anything by “telling all”. I have nothing to lose. But “real people”…that’s a different story.
The entire time I was going through his addiction, I told NO ONE. I justified his actions and my reactions. I made it “OK” in my head because that’s what I wanted, and sometimes needed, just to get through another day. I NEVER told anyone about the episodes when you’re crying that deep, gut-wrenching cry when someone you love so dearly dies, and you first hear about it. I NEVER told anyone that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I NEVER told anyone that sometimes I would pray that he would overdose and die just so I wouldn’t have to go through it anymore, and then apologize profusely and pray that it wouldn’t happen because then I’d be so guilty of his death. I NEVER told anyone that sometimes I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up, because I just couldn’t take it any more. I NEVER told ANYONE. NOONE. EVER. And if anyone caught me crying, and asked “what’s wrong”, I’d downplay it. No one really wants to hear it, right? And how could they even begin to understand? I just couldn’t take that chance. So I swallowed it. I buried it. I prayed and prayed and shoved it into the deepest, darkest, place I could find and concentrated on not dealing with the pain that was there. And became guarded. Cautious. Terrified. And I got used to “brushing it under the rug” and not dealing with it. And eventually I forgot about it. I forgot how wounded I was, how broken I was, because the pain was buried SO deep..and I convinced myself that I was fine.
And yet, here was my friend – not even a close friend, really a colleague, who somehow knew that my heart had been broken. She somehow knew my deepest darkest secret. And by her saying those words…”her broken heart”…it just RIPPED the pain out of that forgotten darkness so quickly, and out into the light that I felt like I had been impaled, for all the world to see.
And now it’s out in the open. To me.
And now to you.
I STILL won’t tell anyone I know. It’s too personal. It’s too private. If they happen to read this, I hope they understand. (especially my mother) This is NOT something that you share with anyone you know that hasn’t/isn’t going through it themselves. It just isn’t.
So now what?
I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. I’m not a professional counselor, so I can’t even take my own advice. I’m just an ordinary woman who has gone through a terrible, life changing experience, as you may have, who got so desperate for help that I created my own.
But I DO know (for myself) that I don’t want to bury the pain and grief anymore. I don’t want to hold onto it anymore. I want to get rid of it. And unfortunately, the ONLY way to do that is to deal with it. Talking about it. Feeling it. Grieving the loss of me, as I used to be. And it’s going to hurt. A LOT. But when I do get rid of it, it will be GONE. And I’ll probably be open to new pain. but at least then there will be room for it, and I’ll be able to deal with it when it comes, like I used to be able to do. Dealing with layers and layers is SO much harder than one layer at a time when it comes.
I’m still trying to find my new “normal”. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I won’t be able to fully do that unless I deal with this first.
So….on our very first support group meeting, on Saturday, March 28th from 9-11 am, I am going to do just that…open up and tell my story. Share my grief. Spill my guts. Roar with anger. Groan with guilt. Sob until I can’t stand anymore. I will be vulnerable and tell all. The good, the bad, and the very very ugly. And I will being to heal…and I pray that others will begin to heal with me.
(Lord, please don’t let anyone show up) 🙂
-Brendalee