Hello World!
Forgive me for my long absence from writing. I officially got divorced in April and went through a completely different kind of emotional hell, and really needed the time to heal.
I’ve also been contemplating what else I can say…I’m thinking future posts will be about all of my experiences with my ex’s drug use, but for right now I must say that even though I’m divorced, I’m still dealing with it. It’s not as bad as it was, but I’m still dealing with it on some level.
My (now) ex and I are still friendly with each other. For now. I’m still “feeling it out” because I just don’t trust him. Back in February he went through detox and then spent 2 months in rehab. And he’s been doing really well ever since….until about 2 weeks ago.
While he was away in recovery I had a break. I knew he was safe and taken care of. I was able to “breathe” again for the first time in years. And then I found a rage inside of me that I didn’t know I had. I must have been suppressing it and ignoring it…but it all came out with a vengeance. There were times when I really felt like I was going crazy…but I got through it..most of it…I think. I’m still dealing with anger on some level, but it’s manageable now. I did a lot of reading and talking with other people who had gone through it too, which helped in the sense that I wasn’t alone, but I slowly came to realize that our pain is our own. We can express it, but we can’t share it. It’s ours. And ours alone. No one else can actually experience it with us. They can understand, empathize, care, love, and understand, but no one….no one…can ever actually “feel” our pain. And I’m honestly still trying to wrap my head around that one…because it’s the same with love. We can never really know how someone else feels about us because we can’t feel their feelings. we can only trust that they love us the way they say they do, in the same way that we feel about them. We can only imagine, hope and trust that their feelings are the same as ours. And I think that’s what makes emotional pain so difficult to deal with…why it’s always such a shock when you realize that someone doesn’t feel the same way that you do…because you trusted them. You had to. There is no other choice…why? because…we can never actually feel someone else’s feelings.
Now, I’m sure someone out there reading this is saying to themselves “well, duh!! That’s just common sense!” And on a cognitive level it is…you’re right. However, on an emotional level…well…for me it was a bit of surprise to realize it. I mean, to really really understand just what that means….we are truly alone. Alone in our own thoughts. Alone in our own feelings and emotions. Alone in our own experiences and perceptions. We can share all of this, but no one can actually know exactly how we feel…the experiences are ours alone. And what else does this all mean? I’m glad you asked…it means that we really are our own best friend. We all really do have to love ourselves first. We have to trust and take care of ourselves first.
And that also means that we need to take a good long hard look at how we’ve been handling our loved one’s addiction. At some point we have to put ourselves first. Because no matter how much you wish it, want it, or convince yourself to believe their words, they’re always going to be dealing with their addiction in their own way, not yours. And you will get hurt. So you really have to take care of and protect yourself first. And it hurts like hell. And it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. And you will meet people who will criticize and judge you for it.
Now I want to be clear…I’m not saying to give up on helping someone get into recovery, or to not be there for them financially, emotionally, etc. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying you have to be careful with how emotionally invested you become…because if you don’t…you run the risk of losing yourself. And that also affects everyone else around you who loves you.
Fast forward to about two weeks ago. The nutshell version is that his stories and explanations of things weren’t making sense again, and that he lied to me…he was getting painkillers instead of antibiotics. Added to that were the physical signs…falling asleep during a conversation, talking non-stop for almost an hour, repeating himself 3 or 4 times, and a giant band-aid with no cotton or gauze underneath it, with the explanation that blood was taken at the doctor’s office by the doctor. Doctors don’t take blood. You have to go to a special blood place like Labcorp. So although I can’t prove it, and I’m not 100% sure, my gut says that he’s using again. Exactly what, I don’t know. And I really don’t care anymore, either.
So what do I do? Am I a terrible, horrible, insensitive person for not caring anymore? For not addressing it with him? I don’t think so, although I’m sure that there’s many many people who would disagree with me. And what would he say anyway…just give me explanations and insist that he’s still clean, so what’s the point? I’m not married to him anymore. I’m not responsible for him anymore. I care about him as a human being, but not enough to put myself out there again to try and help him. There’s nothing…absolutely nothing that I can say or do that will make a bit of difference until he decides it’s what he wants. And I realized a long long time ago that it’s not what he wants. And honestly, even if he does decide to take his recovery seriously, I still don’t care. But please try to understand that I have the luxury of being able to be “out” without the guilt or responsibility. He’s my ex, not my child. And for those of you in my situation, but dealing with a child or parent, and not an ex, my heart goes out to you. It aches for you and what you’re going through. I can only imagine the heartbreak, guilt, and constantly changing emotions that you deal with on a daily, if not hourly basis, because it’s your child. It’s completely different than that of a spouse or significant other, and I get that. I really do. And unfortunately, I don’t have any answers, explanations, or personal experiences to share with you for that exact situation. I still feverently hope that whatever I share with you still helps you in some way, but I’m well aware that I don’t fully understand and can never understand your exact situation. My prayers go out to you.
Until next time…take care of YOU.
-Brendalee