Hello World!
Don’t hate me, but personally I LOVE snow…even this much of it. I love how it looks when it’s falling, and after it settles, making everything look like a beautiful winter wonderland. I don’t even mind shoveling…or at least I never did until last year. Up until last year we had a snowblower, so any shoveling was minor or non-existent. And even then, my (soon to be ex-husband) would always go out and shovel. Last year whenever he would go out, if it were a lot of snow, I’d ask him, “why don’t you use the snowblower”. And I’d always get “there’s not enough snow”, or “it’s in the back of the house, I forgot to get it out earlier” or “my friend has it”. And, of course, I was in denial and not wanting to “rock the boat”, especially if it were a good day, I’d accept his answer & go on with my life, because, hey – he was the one shoveling, not me, right? So it wasn’t until earlier THIS year, after I started OURFATES and had finally gotten myself out of my denial, got him out of the house, (and onto signing divorce papers) that it snowed. That very first time it snowed this year, it was beautiful. I was snuggled up in my pajamas, looked out at that beautiful world of white and thought – at last! I get to use the snowblower myself! (I was never allowed to touch it) So, I got dressed, all warm & cozy, opened up the garage door to many many inches of heavy wet snow and proceeded to look for the snowblower, so happy that I didn’t have to shovel. I live on a corner, and it’s LONG, plus the driveway and my walk. So I’m looking and looking and looking for this big yellow monster and couldn’t find it anywhere. I ventured outside to the back of the house and still couldn’t find it.
And that’s when the realization started to creep into my mind…
He couldn’t have. He didn’t. His friend has it, I know he does. Maybe the neighbor has it. So I called up my (soon to be ex) and asked him,
“where’s the snowblower?”
He didn’t answer me.
And that’s when I knew. I didn’t have to ask anything more.
Wonderboy had sold it for drugs.
Can you tell that I’m angry? There are no words for how I felt…how I still feel about it. Unfortunately, now I’m remembered everytime it snows and I have to shovel. But luckily, too, snow doesn’t last long or comes too often. And to be fair, if he wasn’t an addict, it never would have happened. He’s a good guy when he’s not in his addiction. But drugs change the person so much that you just don’t recognize them anymore, and you can’t trust them anymore, even when you want to. And lord knows it’s a lot of work…not trusting someone. To always be on guard, to remind yourself that they might be lying, to constantly work at being suspicious, when you never were before…God, it’s exhausting.
I feel SO broken. SO defeated sometimes. SO devastated.
I was NEVER this way before. It isn’t fair, or right to have to become someone you’re not. Suspicious, untrusting, jaded, always cautious, wary…angry, sad & devastated at how life has become for me. It’s devastating.
And I’m fighting everyday of my life to change it.
Granted, things are definitely better for me now, that they were a year ago, even 6 months ago. Establishing OURFATES has helped enormously. Writing has been very theraputic for me, and I’ve been meeting some wonderful people. I just wish people would start writing and sharing their stories on here too.
I’m still looking for locations for our support groups. I’m hoping within the next week or two I’ll have something set up. But if you’re reading this, and you know of anyone or anyplace that would be willing to host us, please….share OURFATES with them.
Thanks.
-Brendalee