Hello World!
Where to begin…(sigh) Well, for starters, my (soon to be ex) husband is currently in rehab. This time it was his choice, although the circumstances that he was in may have strongly prompted his choice. We’ll see. Anyway, he called me yesterday and was complaining about the young kids that are in there with him, their attitudes, lack of respect, etc. and how he’s the oldest one in the entire place (he’s 57), and how he’s finally “woken up” to his addiction and how this time it’s going to be different.
OK. Great. I truly hope he’s right. I do. He’s a great guy and when he’s not high, I don’t have the burden of worrying where he is, or what he’s doing, or if/when I’ll get a phone call that he’s dead.
(If you’re reading this and have been/are in my shoes, you’ll understand my skepticism and bitterness. And if you’re not, you might think I’m being “hard” or not understanding, or just plain mean. And that’s ok. I hope you never have to find out for yourself where I”m coming from.)
All that being said, he then started complaining about going to church. The young kids were disrespectful. The young kids aren’t taking their recovery seriously, they aren’t making amends (one of AA’s 12 steps), but HE is…
Instantly my antennae went up.
“oh?” I asked. “what happened?”
“well”, he said, “I saw the priest and told him that I stole money from you and he forgave me, so now I’ve made up all my amends on that step, and I don’t know why people keep bringing it up. I made the amends. Everything’s fine now. I can move forward with my life now…etc.”
“oh?”
“yeah, and when I get out of here I”m going to get a part time job and start giving my sister money every month to help her out.”
(mind you, he didn’t steal from HER – at least not for the past 11 years. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars from my bank account, my purse, my birthday money from my stepfather, my secret savings, my gas money, my food money, money for the mortgage and bills which was paying for food and a roof over HIS head!!!)
I said nothing.
There are no words. There’s just anger, rage, frustration, tears, unbearable sadness, and utter betrayal. And the anger…oh, the seething anger that I have….how DARE he…he stole from ME!! His wife!!! REPEATEDLY!!!!!! And yet because he was forgiven by a priest, that makes it all ok?? My bank account doesn’t agree!!! My wallet, my refrigerator, and my cats don’t agree!!!! My broken trust doesn’t agree!!!! My heart doesn’t agree!!!!!!
And just what am I (we) supposed to DO with all of this???? (I’ve been suppressing it, and finally am letting it out thanks to posting and creating OURFATES.) How on earth do we get rid of it??? How on earth are we supposed to say “aww, honey, it’s ok…I know you didn’t mean it and you wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t have the disease of addiction. It’s not your fault”
I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s NOT ok. He has to take responsibility for himself at some point. If I had cancer, it’d be my responsibility to take care of my health, get the right treatment, change my lifestyle, etc. He’s got a heroin and pill addiction. It’s his body, and his responsibility. And STEALING FROM ME OR ANYONE WHEN HE IS HIGH IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE!!
I know I’ll never get it. But I want my money back.
I want my trust back.
I want my peace of mind back. I want my innocence back. I want my happiness and joy back.
I have been robbed blind….of who I was.
And I don’t see how anyone can make ammends for that.
-Brendalee