Hello World!
It’s been brought to my attention that there’s definitely something wrong with this site, and I promise that I’m working on it. I hope to have it up and running the way that it should be by January 1st, if not sooner. I’m having problems with it “behind the scenes” and it seems to be a lot of “trial and error” before it gets actually fixed. Every time it seems to be fixed, it takes a while before I find out that “nope! It’s not”. I apologize. Profusely.
In the meantime, for those of you that do come to read (because unfortunately, it seems like that’s all you can do right now), here’s what’s going on…
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that all of my efforts with my ex have been in vain. I’m afraid that I’m a little fish in a gigantic, fathomless ocean that really can’t make a difference. I’m afraid that I’ll never find someone who really sees “me”…because for the longest time I hid myself and now that I’m a better, stronger “me” and I love myself, I’m afraid…I’m terrified to show that to anyone. (It’s a lot easier hiding behind a computer screen, I’ll tell you that much). I’m afraid to love someone so completely and deeply, only to have them not be the right “one” for me. I’m afraid that a new “partner” (I don’t want to say boyfriend, because I want a partnership, not a relationship) won’t understand my experiences and will silently judge me. And all of this is ridiculous, because I don’t even have anyone new in my life, as of yet. But still…I’m afraid.
As those of you who really know (because you’ve been there), dealing with an addict changes you. And it’s a lot of work and tough love on yourself to make sure that you change for the better. I’m one of the very lucky ones. I did change for the better. And I’m not done yet. I don’t think i’ll ever be done. I can’t tell you how much it saddens me to know…to actually know that there are SO many of us out there that change for the worse. And why? Because of lack of hope? Resources? Support? Understanding? A break? It’s NOT your fault. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!! Your loved one has a real problem. Some people call it a disease. I don’t know If I agree with that or not, because I’ve personally known people who have been in recovery for years. All I know for sure is that it’s a real problem that affects EVERYONE….for the rest of their lives. I’ll be honest, I thought I was done when I divorced my ex. I thought I was “free”. But I still get SO angry when I hear or see an advertisement on TV for yet another rehab. Why isn’t anyone doing something for US!!!::::!!! (sigh) I don’t want to be “it”. Sometime I just don’t want the responsibility and the work and the emotional pain that goes into making life better for others. I know what it entails. I know.
And I guess that this post is just one big apology….to all of you. This is something big. It’s going to be huge when I finally get off of my own “pity party”. I don’t feel ready. I don’t. And I sure as hell don’t want to sound like I’m perfect, or that I’m going to save the world, because I’m not. But I do feel a calling. And I’ve been dragging my heels and ignoring it. And I’m sorry…I’m so so sorry for being so selfish and not getting here sooner and doing what I should have done a year ago.
I’m going to get this website fixed.
I’m going to start calling radio stations and tweeting, and facebooking, and whatever else it is that I can do to get the word out…that there IS a place for us. The caretakers. The survivors. The loved ones. That place is here. OURFATES
World….please forgive me
Brendalee