Hello World!
What exactly IS denial? Oh, I know, it’s when you’re “not admitting the truth” about something, right? But is that the only definition? Is there more to it than that? And how and when do you really know when something isn’t “the truth”? And what is the truth? Is it your “gut” feelings? Is it previous “facts”? Is it reality? And if so, what if reality keeps changing? When do you know? IS there a “stopping point”? Is reality the fact that there is no security? Or is reality the fact that there IS security, but you just haven’t found it yet. Or are you in denial about that??
What if you know that your loved one has an addiction problem, and you’ve admitted it to yourself, and now you’re thinking, “ok, well, I”m not in denial anymore, I’ve recognized and accepted it, now I can handle what’s next.” And even though it’s a bitter pill to swallow, you’ve done it. You’re not in denial anymore. There’s a certain amount of pride in that. And the next step is treatment. OK great.
So you put on a positive, supporting face, you tell everyone involved, (including yourself) ‘yes, I’m sure that my loved one is dedicated to this, this time”. And you just know that it’ll be different this time…why? Because you’re not in denial anymore, so you just know that that makes a difference, and you’ll somehow be handling things differently this time.
And then they relapse.
So you go through the entire process. Again. (And because you’re not in denial now, you still believe things will be different this time. You might have a teeny bit of doubt, but you tell yourself, “I’m wrong for not being supportive, I shouldn’t have any doubts, because I’m not in denial anymore… I’m fully aware now.”)
And they relapse again.
So now, you go through the entire process. AGAIN. Except now, you have doubts. You’re not so sure. You’ve been disappointed, devastated, and been through the emotional “wringer” so many times, even prior to the “denial awakening”. But you don’t want to “jinx” anything, just in case “this time it will be different”. You don’t want to sabotage anything, or be responsible for your loved one relapsing again, because you weren’t supportive.
So now, maybe they “make it” for a few months. Or maybe even for a year.
And then they relapse again.
So now you’re wondering….well…geez…am I in denial about this??? And now you start questioning yourself. Maybe they really don’t want it. Maybe they do, but this course of treatment isn’t working, so maybe we should try something else? Am I in denial about their commitment to recovery? And how can I be in denial if I’m asking all these questions? I’m aware that something’s not working. I’m aware that I don’t have the power to change anything, it’s their recovery, their, decision, their commitment. It’s not me, it’s them. Right? Or now am I in denial about that? And now you’re asking yourself, “but what if it IS me…even a teeny bit. Maybe I DO make the difference for their recovery, because I’m NOT in denial anymore…I just haven’t figured it out yet”?
And NOW you’re making yourself crazy with all of these questions because you certainly don’t want to be in “denial” because you know that it doesn’t help or change anything, or maybe you feel that it’s been wrong to be in denial before, and you sure as heck don’t want that! I know I don’t want to feel like I’ve been wrong for not admitting the truth. I know I don’t want to feel or be seen as stupid for not accepting the reality of the situation, because “I”m a very intelligent, savvy person, and I won’t be “caught” being in denial again, because now I know the difference!”
Right? Right?
Or am I wrong?
C’mon, people, where are the answers???? ARE there any answers? Are we in denial about their addiction? Or are we now in denial about their recovery? Or better yet, are we in denial about being in denial?
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes, this is me screaming in frustration….trust me, it sounds better “live” than on a computer screen)
(sigh)
ok, now….here come the tears….of frustration….pouring like rain…. (and, no, THIS part is not better “live” – thank goodness for technology and anonimity!)
But do you get what I’m saying?
I know I’m not the only one. (And I know that if you look on the home screen, it only says “3 subscribers”, but according to the “behind the scenes statistics and other technological stuff that I don’t understand, there’s now over 150 people following this website…or blog…or post? I have no idea what to call it, but numbers don’t lie, right? And I”m reading everything right, right? And I’m really NOT the only one who is going through this, and other people really ARE in the same boat as me, even though no one showed up at the first support group meeting. Right? Because, let’s face it, people have their own lives, are busy, and it WAS the first nice day in a long time, and who on earth wants to go sit in a room with other confused, depressed people and talk about their situations and feelings when it’s so beautiful out? Someone will show up sooner or later. Or am in denial about this too????????????)
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now what do I do?
Well…seeing as how yesterday was Easter Sunday (Happy Easter, by the way) I think I’m going to end this for now, go into the kitchen, bite the ears off of my dark chocolate bunny, go into a chocolate “coma”, have a good cry, and take a nap….dreaming of a place where denial doesn’t exist, and I don’t have to deal with these questions or feelings anymore…because it hurts.
It hurts a lot.
-Brendalee