Hello World!
It’s angry me today…which is really driving me nuts. I’m usually a very happy person, always laughing, smiling, but not this month….and unfortunately I have to dig deep to find out why and to get rid of this awful anger I have. I’ve heard from various people that “anger is a cover up” and I have to agree. For me personally, anger is just a cover up for fear, frustration, or hurt. It’s SO much easier to get angry than it is to be vulnerable and admit that what someone said or did has hurt me incredibly. I don’t want to show it. Who does? Why take the additional chance of getting hurt further by actually admitting it?!?
But here’s the catch…if I don’t admit it, I can’t deal with it. And if I don’t deal with it, it festers like an open wound. Band-aids can’t fix it. Ignoring it can’t fix it. Only by talking it out can it ever be truly healed and let go of. Personally, I tend to talk it out with my cats, or a truly good friend…not with the person whom I have the issue with. Well…let me clarify that…only with certain people do I not “deal with”. And thus, these certain people no longer have a welcome place in my life. And I’m SO okay with that. I’ve made my peace with them. But…at times something will come up and it still hurts. And I’m really stubborn, so I tend to ignore the hurt. And then it festers and then I’m angry, and then all I want to do is beat my pillow to a pulp. Do you know how hard that is to do?? It takes a LOT of energy to throw a pillow around. A LOT. It’s tiring. And then in the end all I feel is sad, crushed, and like a little kid who got their lunch money stolen, pushed in the mud wearing brand new clothes, and was called bad names while the other kids ran away shouting “cooties!!!”…. it’s just plain awful. And in the end, the anger is gone…but the hurt is there…in plain sight…tears running down my cheeks, awful sounds coming out of my mouth (which scare the cats), body convulsing with emotional pain…not a pretty sight…
And who in their right mind wants to feel like that!?! I sure as heck don’t! So, of course, because I’m stubborn, I resist it for as long as I can, because feeling angry is way better than feeling wounded, right?
Right.
However….when the grief and pain finally subsides, I have to admit that I DO feel better. A LOT better. Because it’s out! I don’t have to carry it around anymore. It’s gone. And I can be normal, happy, carefree me again.
(but I sure would prefer not to have to go through the firey swamp of hurt to get to the pool of peacefulness)
So anyway….that’s what’s going on. Did I mention that I spoke with my ex today? Ah….now everything is making sense, is it?
🙂
Be good to you. Have a good cry. Get out some of that anger….but try not to scare your pets….
Until Next Time…
Brendalee