Hello !!
Well, it’s springtime again…and as of tomorrow, April 22nd (earth day) I will be officially divorced two years. Maybe that’s why I’ve been a little depressed all week.
It doesn’t matter that my life is less complicated, has much less drama and stress in it, or that I’m SO much happier now that I don’t have to deal with his addiction on a daily basis. I’m still sad that it happened that way…that it HAD to happen that way. Am I responsible? For my part in it, yes. Yes I am.
I enabled. I lied to myself. I withheld information from those who loved and supported ME the most, because I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt extremely guilty that I “let” this happen. I did more than enough for him. And I didn’t do enough for myself. I want to say “when it was all over…” but it’s not. Not completely. I still have moments of guilt and regret. I still have flashbacks and such anger that I want to shove his head down his throat and stomp on it. So instead, I write. And I”m trying to get the word out in hopes that it helps others in my previous and current situation.
In hindsight, I believed I could change him, no matter what anyone told me. In hindsight, I really had NO clue as to what an addict’s behavior is really like. I used to be one of those people who thought I knew better than those people who actually had to deal with a loved one’s addiction. Maybe that’s why all of this happened to me….to wake me up. To give me a good hard lesson in judgement and ego. And boy, did I ever learn it.
But I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all.
Those years and those experiences really changed me, shaped me, tore me up and gave me the chance to rebuild myself…and my life again, in a completely new way.
Was it hell? Yes.
Was it worth it? Yes.
~Brendalee
Brenda, you are amazing, your rigidity and ability to bounce back is refreshing and empowering. You have grown into a person that I see that has gone from needing valation to counter a low self esteem. To a equally opposite self confident individual who is ok and happy with just you being you.
I love you and respect the person you have become and believe you are not only a role model but also an example of what we as human beings strive to become as we grown further in life from an emotional and physical standpoint.
you rock,
Ryan